Welcome to the first edition of my parenting blog! I know it’s a strenuous life being a parent – I have two cats myself – so I’m here to lend the best advice that you can find from someone with absolutely no qualifications to do so. Please send any parenting concerns you have to me at this address.
Here are some opening gambits from my loyal readers:
Question: My seven year old son has begun to refuse his food. We will make a delicious dinner for him including fish fingers and chips and he just picks at it before distracting us by throwing his voice and then feeding the food to the dog. We also suspect our dog is gay if you can help with that too.
It’s common for kids to refuse their food at this age due to their changing hormones. At the age of seven young boys usually start to become obsessed with women and so are more cognisant of their body image. My advice is not to be concerned if he goes without eating for a while because by the time he is 15 he’ll be drinking beer and eating kebabs two or three nights a week. Any weight he loses in the preceding years will be made up with interest during his teens. As for your dog, please consider the book “So Your Dog is Gay?” by Paul Smithers. It won’t answer any questions but there are hilarious pictures of dogs with pink ribbons in their hair.
Question: What is the right age to teach my eight year old son about the birds and the bees?
Question: My 11 year-old daughter drinks a bottle of vodka a week. I want her to cut down as I simply can’t afford it anymore. How do I break the news to her?
nearvana 
I can’t thank you enough.
Where were you when I needed this advice?
Is it too obvious to say that I was probably still in school?
Well, I thank you Dr 9Tendo for imparting advice, gathered from your wealth of experience on parenting issues. Your informed words and knowledge have come a little too late, for this “Mum” whose children have reached the near adult ages of 18 and 16. They have survived being brought up, by this daft and disorganised mum and appear to be fairly well-adjusted, all things considered! 😉
I too have recently discovered the benefits of budget grocery chains, for their affordable ranges of alcoholic beverages, but not for the teenagers. NO! It’s all about ME, ME, ME these days. You see, that’s what parenting does to you eventually.
Debbie, I need material! Tell me about problems you had when the kids were tiny and useless!
Little Kids tell whopping great lies.
They just make stuff up and then look like butter wouldn’t melt.
and if you visit a castle or a museum they spend most of the day crying just to let you know what a bad idea you had.
AND they do that inverted listening thing that you do.
they stay awake so long that everybody feels like crying including themselves.
Inverted listening is awesome. Whoops, I mean, that’s terrible. Dr 9Tendo will process this information.