Lying in bed the other night (curled up like a cat, it was a bit nippy), I started reflecting on the world around me. Everywhere I look I see happy couples building sandcastles together, families guffawing hysterically at pop-up books and then I spy the lonely mad man; decked out in full-length trench-coat, reciting stock exchange price fluctuations to himself. “I don’t want to become that man,” I said to the guy beside me on the train who quickly moved to another seat. “Maybe I should not be so obstinate about my desires – or lack of – to meet my soulmate.”
So with thoughts of being the subject of mass-vilification in my latter years I went home and made up a list that would surely be befitting of any woman destined to become my life-partner. Perhaps she is reading this now (being able to read is one of the “goes without saying” requirements of any future other-half).
So settle down and check off the boxes as we take a look at my ideal partner.
1. Got head?
It is cruical that my future love-bunny has a head, preferably facing front (one of my previous girlfriend’s was the wrong way around – great moonwalker though). I find that headless women tend to attract the wrong type of attention.
Me: Pint, please. And a red wine for the lady.
Barman: Um, sure. Does your girlfriend have no head?
Okay I had to get the surreal one out of the way. Now it’s down to the – as we say in France – merde importante.
2. Ego boosting
Don’t think that you will offend me by telling me how great I am. A highly confident boyfriend is of great benefit to you and will reflect well on you when in the company of others. Some choice comments that you can direct my way are:
“I’ve never seen a pair of jeans fit so well.”
“Wow, your hair looks better than mine tonight.”
“My younger, better-looking sister has a crush on you.”
“I really can’t believe you didn’t take up modelling.”
3. Embrace cooking
I’m not a great cook. I burn frozen food simply by looking at it. Cooking me a lot of great food five nights of the week (plus two nights at the weekend) will reflect well on you. I’ll be able to tell everyone about your chicken stroganoff and your white chocolate mousse with griddled clementines. Think of the calories you will burn while flying around the kitchen, slicing and dicing, laying out tables and serving a piping hot dinner to me?
4. Understanding the 24 hour rule
Ever get really excited about something you bought but find your interest in it wane over time? Of course you have. Well relationships are the same. They are great fun when they are fresh and new but over-exposure can lead to familiarity which in turn can breed contempt. To combat this I operate the “24 hour rule” which is spread over a seven day period.
The 24 hours in the “24 hour rule” refers to 24 actual hours that we are in each others visual or verbal company and is managed via a professional-quality stopwatch. If we sit watching a movie for two hours then two hours come off the watch. If we talk on the phone for 20 minutes then 20 minutes comes off the watch. If we get to 9pm on a Saturday evening and the 24 hours elapses during a night out, an emergency twenty minutes can be brought forward from next week so that we can say our goodbyes.
However, it is important to note that this 24 hours does not include sleeping or any sexual activity.
This will keep our relationship healthy and subsequently last longer. As all your friends break up with their partners due to over-exposure, me and you will still be going strong and this will reflect well on you.
5. Broaden your horizons
It’s important as people that we grow together. Sampling your cooking will give me a taste of your culinary strengths. Watching you clean my house on a weekend will help me to absorb the ability to organise and maintain over a period of time. Subsequently it is important that you understand the nature of international competition by enjoying Champions League football. I will invariably spend most weeknights watching the competition and will try to communicate major developments to you in the absence of you watching it yourself.
On a Saturday night at the pub you will be able to impress our friends with statements like “I thought Ronaldo was offside for the second goal” and “You can’t see Rijkaard making it to the end of the season on current form”. This will inspire others and reflect well on you.
6. Giving and receiving
I think it’s important for a person to believe in the old adage that one does not give to receive. This will be especially important when it comes to birthdays and Christmas. You would clearly be someone who would buy me a great and thoughtful present and expect nothing in return. I can’t stress how this will elevate you in the eyes of others. My present to you would be the look of joy on my face as I enjoy the “Leprechaun” DVD box set or new Tottenham football kit (size “medium”) that you’ve bought for me. It’s hard to explain just how well this would reflect on you.
7. Talking and listening
Unknown to most ladies, men have a very special talent that I call inverted listening. How inverted listening works is that when we talk we are actually listening at the same time. So if I talk about me a lot I’m storing up listening energy which kicks in to action when you start talking. However one side effect of this phenomenon is that it seems that I am not actually listening at all but rather reading a book or watching sport. This is not the case – my listening capacity has been increased many times over by my own self-indulgence and I can subsequently engage in any other activity while listening intently to you. Out of respect for you I will not repeat anything you say to me afterwards even when you ask me to repeat it. This is out of utter respect for your privacy.
Understanding the concept of inverted listening and accepting what you don’t understand will reflect extremely well on you.
It’s wonderful that you can express yourself in such an engaging way but if history has taught us one thing it is that a public expression of such emotion is not in your best interests. The ideal woman would hold their tears until in a private place (their own home, a bathroom, a wardrobe) and then let flow while on their own. It is best not to cry in front of a man as they will only impinge on your heart-felt emotions and subconsciously consume your feelings. What self-respecting woman would want that to happen to them? Dealing with your own problems on your own and in a very private place will reflect very well on you.
9. Fit in body, fit of mind.
There are so many advantages to you of staying fit, slim and healthy looking. For a start you would be fit. And slim. And, um, healthy looking. Being full of energy and having firm muscle fibers will keep your mind sharp and allow you to reach the pinnacle of achievement that you deserve. Why be one of those statistics who labours around in jobs not befitting of them? Be a leader! Tell the managing director he is full of crap and be able to back it up with reasoned debate. How? By staying fit, slim and healthy looking.
Of course when you are out on the tiles with me, every man’s head will turn and this will reflect well on you.
10. Share and share alike
Sharing is caring goes the saying. Who wouldn’t agree with that? We share our thoughts, our time, our chocolate and our germs. Why shouldn’t you share me too? Sharing me with other women is one of the kindest acts you can perform as a loyal partner. By sharing me you will see me gain wider knowledge and experience of the female form and this in turn will benefit and reflect well on you. There are no boundaries on this sharing except when it comes in to conflict with the 24 hour rule.
As an extra-special bonus my ideal woman would also be allowed to participate in the very events that she has shared me out for. Whether it be through observation or physical participation this choice would be yours.
So if you think you could be my ideal woman, drop me a message! In the mean time I’m off to check the stock price fluctuations.