I hate Halloween. It was a great excuse for burning stuff and drinking flagons of cider when I was 14 but I have no use for it now. I’m currently sitting in the back room of my deliberately pitch-dark house in the hope of keeping the usual array of greedy children and their imposing parents away from my door.
But in the event that a group of little brats wearing pointy hats and wrapped in shower curtains start ringing the doorbell, I’ve got a few lines ready that will ensure they don’t call in next year.
10. “Hey, don’t stand out there in the cold. I’ve just downloaded the new Michael Jackson movie. Come on in!”
9. “Hey, baby. You look good.”
8. “Personally I don’t think you should have any treats. You don’t want to end up a fat ass like your dad here, do you?”
7. “I heard that there are demons in the area that are going to hide under your beds and hack you to death during the night. Did you guys hear that?”
6. “Sorry but due to the weak sterling exchange rate I have to charge this year. That’ll be €11 please.”
5. “Great timing kids. I’m just back from the supermarket and they had a special offer on purple seeded grapes. ”
4. “Get off my property! You’re trespassing!”
3. “It’s mad to think that statistically 4 of you will experience your parents divorcing.”
2. “It’s mad to think that statistically 2 of you are gay.”
1. “What are you supposed to be? Because you look shit.”