A Day at Dr 9tendo’s surgery

Dr 9tendo knows that not everyone can be a computer whizz. So with that in mind Dr 9tendo’s Surgery is now open for business, giving you the best free computer tips this side of sticking the new Sony Vaio down your pants and running out of Dixons. So if you think that a megahertz is a very large car rental company or that hypertext is a font that can’t sit still, then take a look at the patients coming through the surgery today!

Dear Dr 9tendo
I’m a bit short and can’t tell what the weather is like without piling all my Harry Potter books on top of each other, climbing atop them and peering out my window. While it’s not very convenient to make matters worse, I once got a paper cut off page 114 of “The Prisoner of Azkaban”. Do you know of anyway I can tell what the weather is like simply by sitting
in my high chair at my computer? But for free.
Thanks in advance, Keith (my real name is Mark but please don’t print that).

Hi Mark, um, I mean Keith.
Sorry to hear about your paper cut. A former colleague of mine, Professor Sega, once suffered a papercut while turning the pages of Playboy very quickly. He was very eager to read the article about the new Jaguar S-Type. Naked.

Anyway, I can indeed help you and put an end to your seven-book obstacle course adventure. Just go to to the “Weather Watcher” page and download the application. It sits on your start bar and gives you the current temperature, current conditions and will project the hour-by-hour weather forecast for 77,000 cities around the world. It will even tell you when there’s a full moon so you can buy some pointy teeth and fake fur and pretend to be a werewolf. Please don’t do this around elderly people though as they might die from fright. Trust me, I’m a doctor.

Dear Dr 9tendo
I work in the field of international espionage. One of my frequent tasks is to take an innocent sound-recording, usually obtained from an illegal phone tap, and edit it so as to frame a perfectly innocent Eastern European of kidnap. I used to do this on my brother’s laptop but, ironically, he was kidnapped by some Eastern Europeans and I don’t know his Windows password. Would you know of a program I could use to edit sound recordings, but for free?
Thanks in advance, Mark (my real name is Keith but please don’t print that).

Hi Keith, um, I mean Mark.
What an ironic state of affairs. There you are framing Russians who are guilty of nothing more than an unhealthy obsession with Western culture while at the same time those same people are inadvertently putting a stop to your operation by kidnapping the man who facilitates you.

But not to worry. There is indeed a free application you can use called “Audacity“. You can edit, cut and copy sounds files and also mix them together to create an hilarious aural montage. You should have heard the laughter in the surgery one day when I recorded Nurse Wii having a perfectly innocent conversation on the phone and then inserted my own conversation in between hers. I made her sound like a real tart. Ha ha!!

The court case is next week.

Dear Dr 9tendo
I’ve been using Internet Explorer for years but recently it started swearing at me. Is there an alternative browser I can use? But for free.
Your friend, Mad Mike.

Dear Mad Mike.
I suspect that your copy of Internet Explorer is not actually swearing at you, but rather you are just a bit mad. However here at Dr 9tendo’s Surgery we aim to treat all of our patients the same way, fruitcakes or not.

The best browser out there at the moment is Mozilla Firefox. It’s less susceptible to viruses, highly customisable and with the additional Greasemonkey add-on, many extra features can be added to popular webpages like Amazon, MySpace and Google.

If you install Firefox and you find that you still hear swearing, perhaps just check and see if a little man has got trapped inside your computer. Ha ha! No, really, check. Just incase.

Dear Dr 9tendo
I’m a very busy woman, often doing lots of busy things in a busy way. Because of the busyness that I encounter every day I often find that if I want to search the internet,check my email, find currency rates, look up words in a dictionary, research something on Wikipedia, find out what the weather will be like tomorrow in Seattle and see the latest speedway results at a glance, I have to visit about 393 pages. And I’m just way to busy for that. Is there anyway that I could do all of these things from one central page but in a decidedly free way?
Yours, Brenda Feckitanyway

Dear Brenda.
I feel your pain! I used to have that very same problem albeit I just suffered from inherent laziness. But now with iGoogle those days are a distant memory. Just create a Google account, then go here and create your own personal iGoogle home page. You can put in news and sport feeds, links to your email account, a dictionary search window, weather updates, currency converters, games and even a George Bush quote generator – all on one page. The last step is for you to simply make it your browser homepage and hey presto!

So no more moaning you lazy cow.

Dear Dr 9tendo
I have enclosed those videos of me exercising naked so you can check my posture to see if this is what is causing my lower back problems.
Regards, Marie


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