A simple test – are you a road-moron?

I’m a big fan of road rage. This, of course, is the expression of exasperation at the complete and utter (a) ignorance, (b) inability and/or (c) stupidity, of other drivers on the road. The roads are full of them. It’s almost like it’s compulsory to be a complete tosser when behind the wheel of a car.

Myself and the girlfriend headed down to Ennis in the west of Ireland this weekend. The journey is a good 200km so it took 3-4 hours. Needless to say the number of morons taking up valuable oxygen could have filled Croke Park.

Here is a simple survey. Please take five minutes to fill it out. If you fall in to any of the below categories then consider yourself hated by me. With a passion.

Question 1:
The speed limit is 100km/h. The cars in front of you on the motorway are travelling at 100km/h. You pass them out. Why? Why are you passing out two cars, for example, that are going at the speed limit? While it is permissible to temporarily break the speed limit while passing out other cars (in order to assure safe passage to the correct lane again), I fail to see what the point of passing out two cars in this situation is. I mean you can only travel 100km/h yourself, right? Right? Oh no of course not. Because you’re such a moron, you think it is perfectly ok for you to floor the accelerator and take off out of sight at 120 or 140km/h. What’s the rush? Are your shoes on fire? Ignorant moron. I hope I pass you around the next bend with your car twisted around a lamppost.

Question 2:
There are multiple lanes on a motorway. As you cross from one to the other (with a purpose in mind, of course), you indicate to, um, ‘indicate’ that you are about to do so. Right? No, wrong. You don’t indicate because you were brought up with the manners of a parentless itinerant. You just slide the old car in to the next lane with the knowledge that everyone in the cars around you are all students of Derren Brown. We knew you were going to do that. We could tell from the way your irritating Buzz Lightyear dashboard attachment was nodding. Tosser.

Question 3:
Tailgaters. Now you dicks really get my goat. Believe me, you tailgate me, you’re gonna see me hit 30 in a 100 zone. Then I might hit 60 for a few seconds. Then maybe 20 again. Then you might get off my ass and use the rest of the damn road as God intended. Who do you think you are? You gonna intimidate me? You that impatient that you think sitting on someone’s rear wheels is the best way to behave? You reckon that causing a shadow over my car with your Range Rover is gonna make me quiver and reduce me to tears? Real big man, aren’t you?

Question 4:
The phone rings but of course it’s illegal to use a mobile phone when driving. So your average road user will ignore it or either quickly pick it up and say ‘call you back, I’m driving’. No. Drivers on Irish roads like to endanger their lives and the lives of others by refusing to purchase a mobile-phone car kit and instead ignorantly cruising along with one hand on the wheel and the other clutching a phone. They laugh, they cry, they take a corner with one hand, narrowly missing the woman with her buggy because they are not paying any attention. The law is clear – you don’t use your mobile when you’re driving. Who do you think you are? What gives you the right? I suppose it’s ok once you don’t get caught isn’t it? Total scum, that’s what you are. Total ignorant scum.

There’s more. People puffing cigarettes in their cars with their kids in the back seat. Selfish bastards. Attention-seeking idiots blaring out some pathetic dance music with their windows rolled down and shades perched ever so perfectly on their fat nose. And as for those souped-up engines and fluorescent chassis lighting? You people really are the lowest common denominator.

And they wonder why record numbers die on Irish roads? The powers that be need to get their finger out, get a few hundred traffic-cops cruising in unmarked cars and bring in severe penalties for these crimes. Zero tolerance is needed to save lives and it’s needed now. Fine them €500, or ban them for three, six, nine months. That’ll get people thinking about how they conduct themselves. Driving is not a right, it’s a privilege.

And they say I wouldn’t make a good leader of this country?

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