TO HULL AND BACK As the flood waters rose and then disappeared down the drains again, they left behind a little surprise package in Hull – none other than former Middlesbrough legend, Juninho. “Juninho was very impressed … and it’s obvious that Hull are gearing up to get into the Premier League,” bleated his agent […]
TAKING THE FIRST “E” OUT OF ALIADIERE There’s an air of desperation in the, um, air, as middling players leave one middling club for another, revealing a middling gap at the initial middling club. One such example is the Human Pie-shaped gap left by Mark Fooduka at Middlingbrough. But Gareth Southgate is nothing if not […]
THE BOTTLE OF BECKS Comedian Rob Newman ridiculed former England manager Graham Taylor in the early ninties by assuming his comical accent and uttering “we mustn’t underestimate the Estonians”. In response to his own character assassination the funnyman countered that we must underestimate the Estonians: send out slx players, not even wearing the proper kit […]
NEW CHARACTERS SET FOR GRIMY, NORTHERN SOAP OPERA The long-running soap opera Newcastle United FC may have been ignored once again at the recent British Soap Awards but major storyline twists could see it finally in the shake-up next season. Gruff northener Big Sam has taken on day-to-day management of the football club while flash […]
TEDIOUS LONG BALL MANAGER QUITS FRENCH CLUB As a manager who has won three French titles, three French Super Cups, two English League Cups, the English FA Cup, the Charity Shield, the UEFA Cup, the European Super Cup, the Subbuteo Challenge (Merseyside regional finals) and A Hastily Arranged Five-a-Side In The Local Park Of Which […]
CAN YOU EAT THREE? OR WAS THAT SHREDDED WHEAT? When Steven Gerrard sits down for breakfast in the Liverpool canteen next season and finds three Weetabix there rather than a pop tart, he can look no further than new owner, Tom Hicks. Defending the manner in which he funded his purchase of the club by […]
BRYAN AND BRIAN If you thought the 32nd edition of “The Standard Catalog of World Coins” at 2288 pages was a pretty thick book, it’s only because the media haven’t uncovered the huge photographic scrapbook Bryan Robson must own of football chairmen in compromising situations. Despite relegating Middlesbrough, Bradford and West Brom in his illustrious […]
IT’S OWEN HARGREAVES, NOT JIMMY GREAVES Manchester United’s highly perceptive fans are renowned the world over for their accurate football analysis. They have spent much of the last few years rightly denouncing their over-the-hill Premiership-winning manager, writing the club’s eptiaph after the Glazer takeover and correctly predicted that United would win nothing with the likes […]
LAWRIE, LAWRIE LAUGHS Hugo must be squirming in his Mexican recliner. After turning Northern Ireland from the international football equivalent of The Mighty Ducks in to a giant-killing, group-topping, Ian Paisley-taming outfit, Lawrie Sanchez has decided to take the chance to manage in the Premiership with Fulham. Considering that his four games so far have […]
The police described it as “extremely unusual” and they are not far wrong. Jason Moore, a 37-year old horror movie fan from England, was jailed for life for attacking his friend using a home-made Freddie Krueger-style glove (left). His defence lawyer accepted that Moore was “a dangerous man” who is “a very damaged individual”. Judge […]
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