Nearvana blogging in 2012 – the stats

Once again I was a s-h-one-t blogger this year. I think I’ve become far too concerned with offending or rubbing people up the wrong way (rubbing up against people is actually a lot of fun) so often refrain from posting my sometimes-obtuse views. Maybe in 2013 I can shed my tender skin and reveal the scarred, lizard-like guts that surround my skeleton.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 2,100 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 4 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

[Album Review] “Music From Another Dimension” (Deluxe Edition) – Aerosmith

Album Title: Music From Another Dimension

Artist: Aerosmith

Year: 2012

Running Time: 80m 38s

Track listing: 1. LUV XXX; 2. Oh Yeah; 3. Beautiful; 4. Tell Me; 5. Out Go the Lights; 6. Legendary Child; 7. What Could Have Been Love; 8. Street Jesus; 9. Can’t Stop Lovin’ You; 10. Lover Alot; 11. We All Fall Down; 12. Freedom Fighter; 13. Closer; 14. Something; 15. Another Last Goodbye [Deluxe CD] 1. Up On The Mountain; 2. Oasis in the Night; 3. Sunny Side of Love

I’ve finally unveiled rock legends Aerosmith’s grand plan for protecting their legacy – subliminal revisionism.  I recall being somewhat underwhelmed by 1997′s “Nine Lives”; a brash, sprawling follow-up to multi-platinum mainstream hit-machine “Get a Grip”.  Four years later it seemed like a minor classic in comparison to the eclectic “Just Push Play”.  Now, in 2012, even “Just Push Play” may be considered under-appreciated when laid side-by-side with “Music From Another Dimension”.

It’s the record that almost never got made what with Steven Tyler falling off stage, Steven Tyler going to rehab, and Steven Tyler becoming a mainstream TV star.  In fact the only time the other band members entered public consciousness was when Steven Tyler was talking trash about them or they were threatening to form some sort of New Aerosmith without him.

And if you thought all that tension and middle-aged angst would translate in to an inspired, angry opus, you’d be dead wrong.  The presence of Jack Douglas – legendary producer of “Toys in the Attic” and “Rocks” – suggested a return to the attitude and swagger of the mid 70s.  But there’s very little he can do with the dearth of strong material and a band that seem at odds with themselves.

It’s part-Aerosmith album, part-Joe Perry solo record, part-Steven Tyler solo album and the deluxe version even features a debut lead vocal from bassist Tom Hamilton. If it sounds like a patchwork, it really is – an overlong one.

There are high moments for sure.  Joe Perry’s infectious, Stones-inspired “Oh Yeah”, enhanced by horns and female backing vocals, finds the group in their element.  Similarly, the seven-minute “Out Go the Lights” recalls the good-time groove of “Get the Lead Out” and “Lick and a Promise“, while Brad Whitford’s “Street Jesus” is a very good 21st century “Jailbait“.  ”Lover Alot” – in spite of it’s seven (!) co-songwriters – is an efficient rocker without pretensions and I’m willing to admit that its complete antithesis – Diane Warren-penned ballad “We All Fall Down” – does overwrought sentiment very well.

Then there’s the near-misses.  ”Beautiful” combines a punchy rhythm, with Tyler’s menacing semi-rap (‘I was earjacking, eavsdropping/down on my knees so I can hear what she was sayin’ … Now I got to thinkin’/About my high-speed, dirty deeds’), a fantastic guitar section from guitarists Brad Whitford and Perry but just when the song should be exploding with a crescendo, it gets dragged down by an insipid chorus.

Opener “LUV XXX” is a little lackluster in spite of its crunching riffs and reasonable hook, while the formulaic “Legendary Child” walks that fine line – a lazy rehash of “Walk This Way” or a sassy tribute to their own history?

But the ballads, oh the ballads.  In isolation any one of the country-like “Tell Me”, the uplifting but by-numbers “What Could Have Been Love”, Carrie Underwood duet “Can’t Stop Loving You”, or piano-driven album closer “Another Last Goodbye” would be fine.  But there’s five of them.  On a fifteen track rock album.

The end of the record seems almost like it was tacked on when no one was looking.  Two sturdy Joe Perry vocal vehicles (“Freedom Fighter”, “Something”) and the noirish curiosity “Closer” (co-written by Joey Kramer) are okay but don’t seem very necessary.

And if it seems like the album will never end you can make it last even longer by shelling out a few extra bucks for the deluxe edition.  Hamilton’s 80s rocker “Up on the Mountain” is a victory for the popular axeman who survived throat and tongue cancer while Perry picks up the mic again for “Oasis in the Night”.  The eighty minute carnival ends with the “Jaded“-lite pop song “Sunny Side of Love”; a surprisingly good radio-friendly hook – certainly miles better than those “Girls of Summer“.

The album lacks hits.  There’s not really anything as good as “Beyond Beautiful” or “Jaded” and in fifteen years time we’ll still be hearing “Pink” on rock stations.  But for all that, it’s encouraging to see Tyler and Perry writing together again (“Luv XXX”, “Out Go the Lights”) and great to hear meaningful contributions from Whitford, Hamilton and Kramer.

It’s overlong, clunky and mostly average but I’m sure in a decade I’ll wonder how it wasn’t considered for a Grammy.

How I retained a customer for Barnes and Noble

Just don’t try to replace your battery.

And everything is all too fast / Just add water, nothing’s built to last

That was certainly the case when my sixteen month old Nook Simple Touch e-reader starting acting the twat last week.  Not overly-used and rarely leaving my bedside, I was left with an unresponsive screen once it was disconnected from the mains.

I did the sensible thing and called the helpline checked online to see what was going on.  I wasn’t the only one experiencing a Nook which reported a battery that was “100%”, whose status was “Unknown” and displayed a question mark inside the on-screen battery icon.

The response from Barnes and Noble to others, as per online postings?  We’ll replace it if it’s under warranty.  Which mine wasn’t.

So I contacted B&N (that stands for Barnes and Noble by the way – it’s just quicker to use this abbreviation than continuously type out the long form (and full legal name) Barnes and Noble when referencing the company Barnes and Noble) to see what sort of engagement we would have.

We went through the usual troubleshooting steps as the pleasant lady (who informed me that she was sorry to hear about my issue and the inconvenience it caused and that she could certainly help me) suggested all the things that I had already tried to get the device working.

Once it was established that it wasn’t going to work (and in fact I was left in a technically worse position as now it was unresponsive when plugged in and not just when disconnected from mains) they laid out the options for me – for $40 I could have a reconditioned unit and for $65 I could have a new one.  Basically not far off the same deal I could get on eBay from people I had no previous commercial relationship with.  This was my punishment for not paying them an additional $40 for an extended warranty when I bought the product for $139 sixteen months ago.

So I hit amazon.com, with the intention of switching sides.  I mean if Nook hardware breaks down after less than eighteen months, should I really keep giving them my business?  I’m not saying that Kindle would be absolutely any more reliable but, fool me once shame on …. fool me once shame on …. oh, just ask this guy.

Unimpressed with Kindle pricing and the epub restriction - and since I had nothing to lose at this point – I decided to ignore the advice from B&N.  I enlisted help from this guy and took my Nook apart with a $4 screwdriver.  B&N (like many manufacturers these days) make the battery non-user replaceable.  So if your battery gives out after 16 months it’s too bad.

I disconnected and reconnected the battery to the motherboard and, hey presto, we’re up and running again.  Easy.

B&N did their best to lose me as a customer but I overcame their attempts in order to make life easier (and cheaper) for myself.  Replacing a battery is routine maintenance.  If batteries were absolutely going to last and function correctly for 3-4 years (not an unreasonable amount of time to own an electronics product) then that’s fine.  But there’s no way that any manufacturer can say that, so why hamstring a customer by leaving them with no choice but to buy an expensive extended warranty or a “subsidised” replacement product?  You are going to lose a percentage of those customers.

So for anyone out there with the same issue, if you’re out of warranty just crack it open.  You’re not the one who has something to lose – B&N are.

Five legends who can freely kick my head in

While watching Katie Taylor batter another peer in to irrelevance this week, even my extreme dislike for patriotism and jingoism was put on hold.  Katie is such a legend that I’d happily let her beat me around the head (maybe not the face directly) with her big gloves while she repeatedly told me that I was a worthless peon.

But, actually, she’s not the only one.  On reflection there are some people out there who are so awesome that they have earned the right to pummel me to within an inch of my life and, not only would I not fight back, I wouldn’t even consider assault and battery charges.

So, I present to you the top five persons – scratch that – top five icons who are welcome to kick the crap out of me if they so wish.

5. Bruce Willis
So cool, that even being completely hairless doesn’t reduce my respect for him. Whether he’s taking smug to a new level in “Hudson Hawk“, goofing about with YMCA moustache in “Mortal Thoughts” or dressed up as the Easter Bunny in “North“, Bruce Willis only ever appears to be one exaggerated cigarette-drag away from punching a Bruno-shaped hole in someone’s head.

The scene of my demise: Willis walks up to me in a busy restaurant, removes cigarette from his mouth and throws it to the floor a split second before he punches me right in the mouth. I fall in a heap. He picks me up by the shirt collar, his wild eyes dancing with a lack of self-control and says “Two words: over easy.” He drops me, picks up his cigarette, puffs on it with an air of self-satisfaction and grabs a scone from a startled onlooker’s plate as he effortlessly pushes the diner door ajar and exits.

He needs no elaborate setup.

4. Hulk Hogan
He might be bald, perma-tanned and a little slow making his way around the wrestling ring now but back in the day the Hulkster was…um…

Okay so not much has changed in twenty-five years for the legendary sports entertainer, bad actor and occasional bass player. But you can’t deny the cultural impact that Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea had on small and big kids alike in the eighties and nineties. He put the kibosh on The Iron Sheik, refused to be intimidated by large grunting mandroid Zeus and politely lay down for Sylvester Stallone seeing as how Rocky III was his film and all.

Wrestling might be “fake” but Hogan is 300 pounds, six-foot stupid and has 24 inch pythons. He’d wreck you.

The scene of my demise: Just as Hulk’s former wife Linda is about to succumb to my leery advances, the Immortal One kicks in the front door of his own former family home – pauses to snarl and flex – and stomps (slowly) in my direction. But wait! What’s this!? I’ve anticipated the situation, reach in to my jacket and pull out a small beaker of deadly acid! I throw it in Hulk’s face and he screams as he falls to the ground, writhing, with his hands over his eyes. I immediately leap on top of him and instigate my own three count.

But, at two, Hulk flings me several feet in to the air! He’s on his knees, eyes are wide open in spite of the burning acid and he’s making embellished air-blowing motions through his O-shaped mouth. I climb groggily to my feet and club the Hulkster over the head with my forearm. He no-sells, continuing to blow precious air in my direction. I close-fist him to the forehead but again it has no effect!

He climbs to his feet and circles me while shaking his fists and arms wildly. He’s Hulking Up! I stop him in his tracks with another right hand but he just stares, points, blocks a further punch attempt and knocks me down with one blow. He sees the opportunity to put me away (while I shift my position slightly to allow him to hit his signature move), runs against the nearest ropes (wall) and drops his leg across my throat. My entire body feels the impact as he scrambles over me, hooks my leg and has Linda make the three count. Hulkamania runs wild while my larynx is crushed by his tree-sized limb.

3. Vinnie Jones

When Vincent Peter Jones got a part in 1999 gangster film “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels” as “Big Chris” no one could have imagined that his movie career would end up surpassing that of his 13 year professional football career.  Sure, he played characters called Bullet Tooth Tony, Sphinx, Killer, Juggernaut and Smasher O’Driscoll.  But he acted alongside Nicolas Cage, John Travolta, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry and Tom Berenger FFS!

The coolest thing about Vincent is that he actually is a fairly ok actor.  That might sound like I’m damning him with faint praise but how many former sports stars make the transition to the big screen and actually entertain?  Ok, you can’t beat this guy and maybe this guy. But Jones manages to be convincing because he really is a psychopath (and I’ve been to the bar – I’m not surprised he got involved).

The scene of my demise:

“Oy!”

That’s the only thing you hear before Jones nuts you.  You might even be in a different room at the time.  He’ll still get you.

2. Kathy Bates

She might be in her sixties and happy enough to lend her voice to big screen cartoon characters and appear in lightweight TV movies now.  But once upon a time Kathy Bates was a formidable ass kicker.  If she wasn’t being arrested for chucking an old woman down the stairs or being an unlikely forty-something prostitute, she was a nurse performing impromptu reverse surgery on helpless writer Paul Sheldon.  She has more awards than I have awards and is so successful that she’s never had to lower herself to parodying the Annie Wilkes character. Well, maybe just this one time.

The scene of my demise: After an unexpected whirlwind romance, Kathy and I end up moving in together.  Everything is going well for a few months until she starts to get more and more controlling.

“Come on, Kathy!” I say. “Why are you being such a bitch?”

“Because sometimes being a bitch is all a woman’s got to hold on to,” she replies.

Then she kicks me in the balls and smashes my ankles with a mallet.

1. Liam Neeson

Until recently Liam Neeson was the Scottish guy from “Rob Roy”, the Russian guy from “K-19: The Widowmaker” or the German guy from “Schindler’s List”. After 2008′s “Taken” he became the guy you’d most want to be related to if you were kidnapped by Albanian human traffickers. Delivering a kill rate of “are you kidding me?”, Neeson decimated the broken English-speaking demographic faster than Rosetta Stone could create it.

The scene of my demise: I glance in the direction of the phone as it rings. I have no intention of picking up. I walk towards it. The answer machine kicks in with a simple, generic greeting and a resonating beep. I listen intently.

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want,” the voice begins.
“Neeson,” I say with a smirk.

“If you’re looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money.”
“Not likely after the success of ‘Taken’ and ‘The Gray’,” I reason.

“But what I do have are a very particular set of…”
“Yeah, yeah. Set of skills. Heard it all before,” I say, mockingly.

“Shut up!,” he shouts as I look around me, bemused. “Now, where was I?”
“Set of skills…?” I reply uneasily.

“Right. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.”

“I’ve had enough of this.” I lean in close to the machine: “Good luck”.

With that, a fist comes through the answering machine, smashing me in the face and sending me flying on to my back. Neeson, somehow, climbs out of the answering machine (but full size and with a trench coat on) and delivers devastating kicks to my face every time I try to struggle to my feet.

“I’m sorry,” I gasp. “I’m sorry…”
“I believe you,” he says, while standing over my bloodied carcass with his foot raised. “But it’s not gonna save you.”

Yeah, so I went to see Rascal Flatts…

Rascal Flatts. The musical act who, until a few short weeks ago, I thought was a rapper

Some rascals. Easily confused.

What do you do when someone offers you a free ticket for a band – the aforementioned Rascal Flatts – you’ve never heard before?  I mean I’ve turned down free tickets before, notably to see The Corrs (after all, I had heard their music) and U2 (well, you know, Bono).  But gigs in America are usually a big event due to the fact that just about any moderately-talented band can attract about half the state to massive venues.

I did a little research. Rascal Flatts are three blokes, play country, have a string of platinum albums and are very popular with the 10-12 year old demographic – High School Musical, Justin Bieber, John Cena, that sort of thing.

Doing some research with Rascal Flatts fans.

And having never even heard a song before I decided to fly blind (deaf?) rather than potentially spoil the surprise and anticipation of hearing the majesty of their music for the first time.

Let’s cut to the chase. It was like a flipping playground there.  Thousands of teen and pre-teen girls confidently strutting around in cowboy boots, with cut-off denim shorts to their pubis and perfect, matching tans that you’d swear came straight from a bottle.  This was in marked contrast to the awkward strut of their male counterparts, desperately trying to put their best foot forward but hamstrung by confused cross-genre  haircuts, acne and an uncertainty as to how far they should push their chest out in order to look manly.

The organisers do attempt to stop underage people drinking by issuing “over 21″ wrist bands to anyone with valid ID – and by pricing a pint at $13.  It wasn’t 100% successful as a number of fairly young people looked a little worse for wear; one blonde girl falling on her arse in front of us and getting to her feet with blood pouring down her leg.  But if someone wants booze they’ll get it – and it’s a rite of passage so we should probably let them get it out of their system.

Just a bit more research there.

After several warm up acts, the best of which was the Eli Young Band (a relative assessment), the headliners came out.  Joe Don Rooney, Jay DeMarcus and Gary LeVox (Gerald Wayne Vernon might be the only person in the world whose stage name is worse than his real name) launched in to a short 80 minute set that was everything I expected – a steady string of middle-of-the-road country anthems and ballads.

LeVox was notable for being quite unremarkable – capable voice but little charisma or stage presence (outside of his stout frame).  Rooney was the best thing on the stage and I was only ever interested when he was allowed to let loose and play some lead licks.  If this lot hit the skids then he could be the breakout Robbie Williams of the band.

Of course safe, unit-shifting music like this was never going to be my scene.  They all seem like nice boys, especially Rooney (whose wife is a former Miss Georgia, Miss USA and Playmate of the Year): “We’re Christian men with families and children and with deep faith in God and country”.  And they underlined how thoughtful they are by issuing the honourable trumpet call of “God bless America!” near the end, inadvertently forgetting about blessing the other 6.7 billion people on the planet, a percentage of whom buy their records.

Bland, tedious multi-platinum musicians.  Yep, Rascal Flatts are the Nickelback of country music.

Back in Blackberry

Motorola Atrix. From … Motorola.

Phase Atrix

About 15 months ago I dumped my (small, well-formed but anemic) Blackberry Bold 9700 for the sexy, dual-core world of Android – namely the Motorola Atrix. The Atrix was the most powerful smartphone at the time – two big fat cores (which means it goes fast), lots of RAM, a slick four inch touchscreen, front and back cameras, HSPA+ connection (fake 4G), a finger-print unlock technology (really) and an interesting but expensive “webdock” that allowed you to plug in to a dumb terminal and use as a laptop.

It was hard not to be drawn to all the pizzazz. Android, after all, had an app for everything. And here it was, presented in slick Technicolor and multi-touch. But the love quickly faded as I realised that the handset just did not have any personality. It was to Blackberry what the IBM-compatible was to the Commodore Amiga.

At the same time, I saw the new Blackberry Bold 9900 in the works. It was a throwback to the breakthrough Bold 9000 which meant more screen and physical button real estate. But, in their infernal wisdom, RIM decided to price it high instead of taking what was to become the Microsoft/Nokia approach of almost giving away the Lumia to drive adoption. At $299 on a two-year contract or the usual $600 unlocked, it just wasn’t very compelling.

Windows Phone. Nice but not nice enough.

Windows – A Brief Encounter

In a fit of pique I took a brief jump to Windows Phone as Dell started selling off their Venue Pro handset for $250 unlocked. Impressed and all as i was with the phone – durable, good physical keyboard and surprisingly good virtual one, vibrant screen, fluid OS – the under-developed operating system had too many limitations and half-baked ideas to be ready for prime-time. It did a fair bit but didn’t really excel at anything.

Take Note

Then the Android-powered Galaxy Note hit Europe in late 2011. I imported the 5.3″ behemoth. It was a champion – is a champion. With all things considered, it’s probably the best phone I’ve ever used. Even taking in to account the annoying lag that Android (pre-Jelly Bean) has trademarked, the usability of what was basically a phone-cum-tablet meant it was useful for just about everything. And I’ve happily used it for nine months.

But over the last while I’ve started to assess what I do with my phone versus what I need it to do. I’ve long watched iPad adverts, bemused by the flashy, energetic slide show of tasks that the hardware can do: it can make pie charts, it can read books, watch movies, play games, let you pinch and zoom in on Uranus. But I imagine only a small percentage of people do more than surf and watch the odd film. Indeed, Business Insider’s 2011 survey indicated as much.

A massive Note.

Similarly, I owned a phone that was a mini iPad, albeit one running Android. And it had a surprisingly good little stylus that seamlessly slid in to the bottom of the device. But did I really need all that power and choice in my pocket? Did I need Netflix and Hulu Plus, MyFitnessPal for entering my calories during the day, turn-by-turn navigation, retailer-specific apps, 3D games, Google Earth? Did I need 10-12 different browsers or 100s of themes to make my phone feel unique?

I used them, sure.  But did I need them?

It’s nice to have these options and apps available but not at the expense of what a phone really should be – a solid communication and messaging device. And that’s something that Blackberry does very well without bells and whistles.

After all I’m the guy who owned a Nook Color but “downgraded” to an e-ink Nook Simple Touch because the Color was way too distracting from what it really should be – an e-reader. To coin a cliche, sometimes less is more.

Back in Blackberry

And it was with that context that a Craigslist ad finally brought me together with, not just the Blackberry Bold 9900, but a white one!  And while the Blackberry is “less” in terms of its reach and functionality, I just feel I get a better all round communication solution that still does the essentials.

I’ve got excellent email service, more than adequate Facebook and Twitter apps, Google Voice for international calling, Viber (albeit without calls yet) and WhatsApp for messaging, TuneIn Radio and podcast apps, Google Maps to show me where I am, WordPress for blogging, Starbucks card (still works in spite of the company stopping support) for my caffeine fix, GasBuddy for finding the cheapest petrol, apps to read my RSS feeds and so on.  Beyond that pretty much everything else is a luxury.

The shortcomings are there in the sense that the camera and camcorder are not as advanced as what’s out there and turn-by-turn navigation is not included in Maps. But then again, if I’m in my car then I’ve got my Garmin (which is better than the, frankly, sometimes-mental Google navigation).  The Internet is harder to use on the smaller screen but the browser works well enough. Even on the Galaxy Note, some websites were just annoying to try to navigate so I mainly did simple surfing which the Bold is capable of.

And then there’s the three big home runs.  Firstly, the physical keyboard. A lot of people like touch screen but not me – not until they make touch screens tactile will I feel comfortable on one.  Even with Swype – the best touchscreen keyboard – I still ended up effing up half the stuff I typed.

Secondly, battery life.  After fairly heavy use of the 9900, I’d still go to bed with about 20-30% battery.  My Note was usually down in the single digits if I had the screen on regularly or used GPS for a small amount of time.  Thirdly, it’s a damn good phone with great voice quality.

Sometimes you got to compromise and the Blackberry is a good compromise.

Post-modern

The reaction has been raised eyebrows and exclamations of “Blackberry!?”. And that’s been the fun part.  I’d gladly have the debate with anyone about why the Blackberry does pretty much everything they truly need.

And now I almost feel that moving back to Blackberry is a kind of post-modern thing to do – you know, like vinyl, Atari and Def Leppard.

From Atrix to Dell to Note to Bold

[Movie Review] The Amityville Haunting

Starring: Jason Williams, Amy Van Horne, Devin Clark, Nadine Crocker, Gracie Largent, Luke Barnett
Director: Geoff Meed
Genre: Horror
Cert: 18
Released: 2011

It was only a matter of time until the ‘found footage’ format reached The Amityville franchise.  In the latest direct-to-DVD installment – aside from 2005′s original remake, it’s the first since the mid-90s – a brand new family move in to the infamous, murderous spirit-filled New York suburban house, seemingly the only home they could afford.

But there’s a reason that the place is cheap – no one ever lives there for more than a month or two. Former serviceman Douglas Benson (Jason Williams) persuades his wife Virginia (Amy Van Horne) to fall in line and help build a home for them and their children. They are a contrary bunch: Tyler (Devin Clark) is about 12 years old with a penchant for filming everything (you can see where that is going), Lori (Nadine Crocker) is probably 16 with an attitude that’s at least an 11 and Melanie (Gracie Largent) is the youngest and, just like the original kid from the seventies, has the connection with the house that no one else does.

The film begins with what turns out to be virtually unrelated scenes featuring four adventurous kids who break in to the house and film themselves getting up to no good. The only reference to this during the rest of the movie is when Tyler finds an old iPod with the footage they filmed that night but it doesn’t even become a plot device so it’s kind of pointless.

Most of the movie revolves around Tyler filming the family around the home and capturing the aftermath of the demise of several characters (a real estate agent, a mover). He’s not a bad kid but he gets treated like a dog by the contemptible Douglas, a stern, unreasonable, impatient, needlessly-aggressive man whose disdain for his son is only superseded by his intolerance of his (admittedly) annoying older daughter. When the back door is left open at night he blames all the kids one after another showing parenting skills on a par with Harry Wormwood (when of course, having seen almost a dozen of these movies, we know who is really responsible).

Even though the script acknowledges the house’s infamy – a detective who turns up to investigate the disappearance of a neighbour references the movies and books written about the building – the fact that doors open and close by themselves and several people die in the first few days doesn’t initially suggest to Douglas that something might not be quite right. He decides to put up CCTV cameras (“Paranormal Activity 3″-style) to catch the ‘burglar’ that is opening the door at night, and this becomes another source of footage which I suppose adds a little bit of variety if nothing else.

We know that there’s an unseen presence as the camera occasionally goes black and an accompanying “static sound” interferes with the footage. The best scenes are when we see ghosts on camera that the family cannot see although that effect wears off pretty quick as it increasingly loses its subtlety.

The final ten minutes counters utterly laughable scenes involving Douglas with the movie’s best moments (albeit that’s not saying much). Performances are predictably poor although these are bit-part actors who are presumably doing their best in the leading roles. And, in a rather castrating move, not once in the film do we see the distinctive house front that was pretty damn effective in its initial outings.

The final word on “The Amityville Haunting” is that it’s from The Asylum. Presumably they came up with and filmed this entire thing bell-to-bell in about three weeks. And it shows.

Thoughts from an Aer Lingus flight (yes, in flight mode)

Has anyone ever gone to Fitzpatricks Hotel in Manhattan on the basis of that advert that has been running before in-flight movies for seven years? I fast forward even though sometimes I go too far and end up far forwarding in to my movie. Which makes me resent Fitzpatricks even more.

I know it is essentially the same as closing your eyes but those eyemasks would make me feel vulnerable – like I’m more susceptible to attack from an assailant.

I know they charge you for alcohol but you could break even on soft drinks if you approached the galley from different directions and maybe adopted a subtle disguise or two.

I’m pretty sure the plane they show on that satellite map isn’t to scale. It’s the size of Luxembourg. This is especially disorientating if you are flying to Luxembourg.

Look at the size of those toilets. Never mind the Mile High Club, I’m not sure you could even sign up for the Six Inch Society in there.

The trip statistics they provide – altitude, tail wind, ground speed – are all well and good, but are of no real use to me. Seriously, you could tell me the outside air temperature is -2 or -200 and I’d believe you equally.

Rory McIlroy makes me feel like shit when he tells me that I can save a kids life by simply giving some crappy change that I find in my pocket or luggage. Imagine the good I could do by not even taking this holiday in the first place. Way to ruin my trip, Rory.

The No Smoking signs indicate that, at some point, someone thought smoking on a plane was a good idea.

Bye. Bye. See ya. Bye. Bye. See ya now. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye. So long. Bye. Bye. That shit must get very repetitive.

[Album review] “Super Delux” – Terrorvision

Album Title: Super Delux

Artist: Terrorvision

Year: 2011

Running Time: 35m 18s

Track listing: 1 Demolition Song; 2 Hold Tight; 3 Neighbourhood; 4 Pushover; 5 This is Suicide; 6 Babylon; 7 All the Girls Wanna Dance; 8 Friend in Need; 9 Rock Radio; 10 Shiny Things; 11 Run and Hide  

Ten years on from their last album release (“Good to Go“), high-energy UK rockers Terrorvision have reformed (sans drummer and founding member Shutty) and returned to the studio.  Best known for a slew of hit singles (“Alice, What’s the Matter“, “Oblivion”, “Perseverance”, “Tequila”) and an ability to write infectious rock and roll, their sixth album “Super Delux” shows that they’ve hardly missed a beat.

“Demolition Song” (which could easily remind you of the theme from 80s kids show “The Banana Splits“) has classic Terrorvision character: ridiculously catchy riff, hand-claps, na-na-na backing vocals and a snappy lyrical trip.  Lead singer Tony Wright recounts the changes he saw in childhood: “I remember the day when they pulled down the school, the hospital too and they built the new flats.” Seems like progress, but not when he talks about how “the theatre died when the fire tore through it” and that “the parks now a car park, no ball games allowed”.

“Hold Tight” rides a roll call of vehicle-related terminology – or are they vehicle-related metaphors: “Take it easy, calm down/Let’s live a little longer/Cos the needle’s off the dial/Doesn’t make you stronger”.

“Neighbourhood” brings the smoky menace that we probably haven’t heard since “Regular Urban Survivors”.  The neighbourhood Wright sings about is full of “busy bodies” and “nosey neighbours” and he comes to the conclusion that “with friends like that, who needs enemies”.  With a police-siren backing for the refrain of “somebody call the cops, it’s never gonna stop” and a terrific solo from guitarist Mark Yates, “Neighbourhood” can proudly take its place alongside their best material.

The pace barely lets up with “Pushover” (aided by what sounds like a few borrowed notes from their 1994 hit “Middleman”), a groovy mid-tempo number with typical Terrorvision humour (“you told me you’re a rocker but I caught you dancing to Madonna”) and another fine solo.  And even within their unique, fast-paced style of rock, the band can knock out distinct genres.  We go from energetic punk number ”This is Suicide” to harmonica-led rocker “Babylon” to the fifties-inspired “All the Girls Wanna Dance”. And with no track reaching four minutes in duration, the pace is relentless.

“Friend in Need” is more sedate as Wright warns us not to “believe all that you read/Don’t take for granted/That what folk tell you/Is what folk really mean”.  But it’s not long until the band kick in and thrash along with Wright’s sentiment about how he’s a “layabout and expensive to feed/But I’m still a friend in need/And if you do need me, then lean on me”.  Excellent tune.

Any fan of rock music will appreciate their complaint about today’s “Rock Radio” (“Hey rock radio, play the songs that I know”) and admire their jaded observation about what passes for entertainment these days (“I really loved Ozzy, not so sure about Kelly/I want Sabbath on the wireless, not Sharon on the telly”).

Some people have “Shiny Things” while others are “held together with bits of string”.  I doubt that Tony or anyone else in the band is short of some shiny things but it doesn’t stop them travelling the well-trodden road of there never been enough money to last the week (“You gets your money/You pays your rent/By the time you get to Monday/Then the money’s always spent”).  Another classic groove.

The album closes with “Run and Hide” as we finally see the band take a breath with the only track that could be described as being anywhere close to a ballad.

It may only be thirty five minutes of new music but Terrorvision have managed to fill that time with terrific, catchy, personality-filled rock music.  Great to have them back.

[Album review] “Mirrorball” – Def Leppard

Album Title: Mirrorball: Live & More

Artist: Def Leppard

Year: 2011

Running Time: 1h 59m 17s

Track listing: [Disc 1] 1 Rock Rock Til You Drop; 2 Rocket; 3 Animal; 4 C’mon C’mon; 5 Make Love Like a Man; 6 Too Late for Love; 7 Foolin’; 8 Nine Lives; 9 Love Bites; 10 Rock On  [Disc 2] 1 Two Steps Behind; 2 Bringin’ On the Heartbreak; 3 Switch 625; 4 Hysteria; 5 Armageddon It; 6 Photograph; 7 Pour Some Sugar on Me; 8 Rock of Ages; 9 Let’s Get Rocked; 10 Action; 11 Bad Actress; 12 Undefeated; 13 Kings of the World; 14 It’s All About Believin’

Hard to believe that the Sheffield rockers have managed to make it over 30 years without releasing a live album.  But here it is, a two-disc collection of their greatest hits along with three new studio tracks (and a bonus live DVD featuring four live performances and two music videos) to give those completists a reason to buy.

The recordings are taken from various shows on their 2008/9 “Songs from the Sparkle Lounge Tour”.  This means that we get three tracks from that album, two of which are rather good (“Nine Lives’ and “C’mon C’mon”) with the only throwaway live recording on the entire record being the awful “Bad Actress”.

But the band don’t ignore their early days.  Five classics are included from 1983′s diamond-selling album “Pyromania” and – possibly the stand-out performance on the entire album – “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” from 1981′s “High N’ Dry”.

Their world-domination period is almost without omission.  ”Rocket” and “Animal” are out of the starting blocks early-on, both sounding as energised as they did almost a quarter of a century ago, with “Love Bites” and “Hysteria” providing some respite before the frenzied guitar licks of “Armageddon It” and “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.  Their nineties hits “Let’s Get Rocked” and “Makin’ Love Like a Man” – overshadowed at the time by grunge’s emergence – are concert mainstays, and both are great fun.

Considering that you’re getting 21 live tracks for $12 (exclusively at Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club right now) the three new studio tracks can be considered a bonus.  And it’s probably a good thing.  While US radio chart #1 “Undefeated” is a nailed on late-era Def Lep rocker, “Kings of the World” and “It’s All About Believin’” are forgettable pop songs.

But whatever way you look at it this long-overdue live album is a must-buy for even the most casual fan.