[Album review] “Super Delux” – Terrorvision

24Jun11

Album Title: Super Delux

Artist: Terrorvision

Year: 2011

Running Time: 35m 18s

Track listing: 1 Demolition Song; 2 Hold Tight; 3 Neighbourhood; 4 Pushover; 5 This is Suicide; 6 Babylon; 7 All the Girls Wanna Dance; 8 Friend in Need; 9 Rock Radio; 10 Shiny Things; 11 Run and Hide  

Ten years on from their last album release (“Good to Go“), high-energy UK rockers Terrorvision have reformed (sans drummer and founding member Shutty) and returned to the studio.  Best known for a slew of hit singles (“Alice, What’s the Matter“, “Oblivion”, “Perseverance”, “Tequila”) and an ability to write infectious rock and roll, their sixth album “Super Delux” shows that they’ve hardly missed a beat.

“Demolition Song” (which could easily remind you of the theme from 80s kids show “The Banana Splits“) has classic Terrorvision character: ridiculously catchy riff, hand-claps, na-na-na backing vocals and a snappy lyrical trip.  Lead singer Tony Wright recounts the changes he saw in childhood: “I remember the day when they pulled down the school, the hospital too and they built the new flats.” Seems like progress, but not when he talks about how “the theatre died when the fire tore through it” and that “the parks now a car park, no ball games allowed”.

“Hold Tight” rides a roll call of vehicle-related terminology – or are they vehicle-related metaphors: “Take it easy, calm down/Let’s live a little longer/Cos the needle’s off the dial/Doesn’t make you stronger”.

“Neighbourhood” brings the smoky menace that we probably haven’t heard since “Regular Urban Survivors”.  The neighbourhood Wright sings about is full of “busy bodies” and “nosey neighbours” and he comes to the conclusion that “with friends like that, who needs enemies”.  With a police-siren backing for the refrain of “somebody call the cops, it’s never gonna stop” and a terrific solo from guitarist Mark Yates, “Neighbourhood” can proudly take its place alongside their best material.

The pace barely lets up with “Pushover” (aided by what sounds like a few borrowed notes from their 1994 hit “Middleman”), a groovy mid-tempo number with typical Terrorvision humour (“you told me you’re a rocker but I caught you dancing to Madonna”) and another fine solo.  And even within their unique, fast-paced style of rock, the band can knock out distinct genres.  We go from energetic punk number ”This is Suicide” to harmonica-led rocker “Babylon” to the fifties-inspired “All the Girls Wanna Dance”. And with no track reaching four minutes in duration, the pace is relentless.

“Friend in Need” is more sedate as Wright warns us not to “believe all that you read/Don’t take for granted/That what folk tell you/Is what folk really mean”.  But it’s not long until the band kick in and thrash along with Wright’s sentiment about how he’s a “layabout and expensive to feed/But I’m still a friend in need/And if you do need me, then lean on me”.  Excellent tune.

Any fan of rock music will appreciate their complaint about today’s “Rock Radio” (“Hey rock radio, play the songs that I know”) and admire their jaded observation about what passes for entertainment these days (“I really loved Ozzy, not so sure about Kelly/I want Sabbath on the wireless, not Sharon on the telly”).

Some people have “Shiny Things” while others are “held together with bits of string”.  I doubt that Tony or anyone else in the band is short of some shiny things but it doesn’t stop them travelling the well-trodden road of there never been enough money to last the week (“You gets your money/You pays your rent/By the time you get to Monday/Then the money’s always spent”).  Another classic groove.

The album closes with “Run and Hide” as we finally see the band take a breath with the only track that could be described as being anywhere close to a ballad.

It may only be thirty five minutes of new music but Terrorvision have managed to fill that time with terrific, catchy, personality-filled rock music.  Great to have them back.


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[Album review] “Mirrorball” – Def Leppard

11Jun11

Album Title: Mirrorball: Live & More

Artist: Def Leppard

Year: 2011

Running Time: 1h 59m 17s

Track listing: [Disc 1] 1 Rock Rock Til You Drop; 2 Rocket; 3 Animal; 4 C’mon C’mon; 5 Make Love Like a Man; 6 Too Late for Love; 7 Foolin’; 8 Nine Lives; 9 Love Bites; 10 Rock On  [Disc 2] 1 Two Steps Behind; 2 Bringin’ On the Heartbreak; 3 Switch 625; 4 Hysteria; 5 Armageddon It; 6 Photograph; 7 Pour Some Sugar on Me; 8 Rock of Ages; 9 Let’s Get Rocked; 10 Action; 11 Bad Actress; 12 Undefeated; 13 Kings of the World; 14 It’s All About Believin’

Hard to believe that the Sheffield rockers have managed to make it over 30 years without releasing a live album.  But here it is, a two-disc collection of their greatest hits along with three new studio tracks (and a bonus live DVD featuring four live performances and two music videos) to give those completists a reason to buy.

The recordings are taken from various shows on their 2008/9 “Songs from the Sparkle Lounge Tour”.  This means that we get three tracks from that album, two of which are rather good (“Nine Lives’ and “C’mon C’mon”) with the only throwaway live recording on the entire record being the awful “Bad Actress”.

But the band don’t ignore their early days.  Five classics are included from 1983′s diamond-selling album “Pyromania” and – possibly the stand-out performance on the entire album – “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak” from 1981′s “High N’ Dry”.

Their world-domination period is almost without omission.  ”Rocket” and “Animal” are out of the starting blocks early-on, both sounding as energised as they did almost a quarter of a century ago, with “Love Bites” and “Hysteria” providing some respite before the frenzied guitar licks of “Armageddon It” and “Pour Some Sugar On Me”.  Their nineties hits “Let’s Get Rocked” and “Makin’ Love Like a Man” – overshadowed at the time by grunge’s emergence – are concert mainstays, and both are great fun.

Considering that you’re getting 21 live tracks for $12 (exclusively at Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club right now) the three new studio tracks can be considered a bonus.  And it’s probably a good thing.  While US radio chart #1 “Undefeated” is a nailed on late-era Def Lep rocker, “Kings of the World” and “It’s All About Believin’” are forgettable pop songs.

But whatever way you look at it this long-overdue live album is a must-buy for even the most casual fan.


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[Album review] "This is Gonna Hurt" – Sixx:A.M.

29May11

Album Title: This is Gonna Hurt

Artist: Sixx:A.M.

Year: 2011

Running Time: 48m 49s

Track listing: 1 This is Gonna Hurt; 2 Lies of the Beautiful People; 3 Are You With Me?; 4 Live Forever; 5 Sure Feels Right; 6 Deadlihood; 7 Smile; 8 Help is on the Way; 9 Oh My God; 10 Goodbye my Friends; 11 Skin

Many side projects don’t create more than a ripple on the musical landscape so when Sixx:A.M. (lead singer James Michael, Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx, and guitarist DJ Ashba) sold almost 350,000 copies of their 2007 debut album “The Heroin Diaries”, many people (most notably record executives I’m sure) sat up and took notice.

The record served as a “soundtrack” to Sixx’s New York Times Best-Selling book of the same name – a memoir chronicling Sixx’s addiction to cocaine and heroin in the mid-80s. And, just like the debut, new album “This is Gonna Hurt” follows the same template. The new book of the same name has reached #4 on the NYT list while the album debuted at #10 on the Billboard Hot 100.

“The Heroin Diaries” was a fascinating project. It mixed powerful rock tunes (“Life is Beautiful”, “Pray for Me”, “Courtesy Call”, “Heart Failure”) with more mid-tempo rockers and ballads (“Tomorrow”, “Accidents can Happen”) and punctuated it with semi-spoken-track numbers that acted as an album narration (“X-Mas in Hell”, “Intermission”, “Life After Death”). “This is Gonna Hurt” is a more conventional record.

This is Gonna Hurt
The title track draws on Sixx’s own experience with being down and out (“Feels like your life is over/Feels like all hope is gone”) but offers a message of hope (“Rise against your fate/Nothing’s gonna keep you down/Even if it’s killing you”) and, ultimately, redemption (“There’s a devil in the church/Got a bullet in the chamber/And this is gonna hurt…Keep your secrets in the shadows and you’ll be sorry”). Fast, crunching guitars meet irrepressible melody.
Rating: ****

Lies of the Beautiful People
The lead single and #2 mainstream rock hit takes a not-at-all-thinly-veiled swipe at those who think “real beauty’s on the outside”. Inspired by one of his photo subjects – Amy Purdy, an athlete who lost her legs at 19 – Sixx rails against the media-driven obsession with glamour and external beauty. Lead singer Michael laments how many of us are “outside the velvet rope/standing there all alone”, are “grotesque and ashamed” and insists that the beauty we are force-fed (by the likes of People Magazine’s “100 Most Beautiful People”) is “a far cry from the truth”.
Rating: ****

Are You With Me?
It might be doing a disservice to “Are You With Me?” to suggest that this could be mistaken for a Daughtry track. The singer recounts the early days of a relationship (“Laughing like we’re crazy/Nothing mattered, nothing fazed me/We were younger then”) but acknowledges that things are not what they were (“have I judged a book by how its bound/am I lost or am I found/and are you with me?”). He encourages his partner to “come back from the dead/you’ve been inside your head for too long…Find the places that scare you/Come on I dare you”. Yes, it’s radio-friendly and familiar but it works.
Rating: ***1/2

Live Forever
Sticking with the subject of relationships, “Live Forever” compares the carefree early days (“You and I never really gave a damn/We spent our lives running through the wastelands”) to how the protagonist feels now (“Now, you’re the only thing left worth dying for/You give me a reason I can’t ignore/And make me wanna live forever”). From being “so independent, so high on ill intentions” to being “everything I’ve been waiting for/for all these years and a thousand more”). “Live Forever” is an exceptional rocker with a soaring chorus.
Rating: *****

Sure Feels Right
“Sure Feels Right” takes it down a notch, a pseudo-country ballad with reflective lyrics (“The traffic’s backed up on the 405/And the smog’s so thick you could cut it with a knife/But it gives me time to think about my life”). With snappy references to diverse subjects like Sunset Boulevard, Sex Pistols, Jesus and Hollywood vampires. Nothing wrong with this whatever.
Rating: ***1/2

Deadlihood
So just who is the “you” in “Deadlihood”: “I swear you told me, that you’d be my life support/Guess I misunderstood, you were my deadlihood”. Maybe it’s not a you – maybe it’s an “it”. Maybe it’s heroin. It could be the “insanity” that’s driving him insane and now its “star is burned out for good/Somewhere in Hollywood”. Sonically dramatic, convincingly powerful, this is another fine track.
Rating: ****

Smile
A gentle acoustic ballad that wonders “What’s an angel like you/Ever do with a devil like me”. Michael shines on vocals (as he does throughout the album) and it’s punctuated by a sweet guitar solo by DJ Ashba.
Rating: ***

Help is On the Way
If “Smile” is anything it is perfectly placed on the album as a buffer between “Deadlihood” and the rocking “Help is On the Way”. The hand-clap intro, ‘do do doo do’ refrain and soothing bridge give the track something a little different. The singer talks about troubled times – like when he feels he is “a paralyzed soul” and “a left out only child” who is “so unaware that my heart’s about to stop”. But he says we’re all the same and that “everybody cracks and bleeds/So hit your knees and pray/That help is on the way”.
Rating: ****

Oh My God
After lashing out at the “beautiful people”, Sixx and Co take aim at society as a whole with the socially conscious “Oh My God”. Using the street birth of a baby (presumably to a homeless, teenage mother) as a symbol, the band underline our apathy towards such reality (“the truth is that we’ll never know her name/’Cos as long as we can fill our glasses up, we’ll look the other way”) while also addressing major global events (“it’s not far from here to New Orleans/Where the seemingly forgotten people are still foreclosen on their dreams”). The song reaches a stadium-anthem level crescendo (think U2 or Bon Jovi) with the chorus of “Oh my God, this is insane/How’d it get like this?/Or has it always been this way?”. Epic.
Rating: ****1/2

Goodbye My Friends
The piano intro suggests a halcyon ballad might be on the way but a thrusting riff and dramatic, brooding verse (very reminiscent of Muse) carry us to the hard-hitting bridge (“Isn’t life lived right at the edge/And when it’s not that’s when you’re dead”). The subject, seemingly in his final moments of life with “friends and lovers” gathered around him and “piles of roses” at his feet, tells us that there’s no need for be mournful (“Goodbye my friends/To hell with the sorrow/We have made amends…by this time tomorrow/It will be the end”). Fantastic arrangement, great guitar work again from Ashba – another winner.
Rating: ****

Skin
“Skin” is a beautiful piano ballad. For those scared to be themselves, afraid of what others think, Michael suggests that you should “paint yourself a picture/of what you wish you looked like” and urges the fearful to “come in to focus/step out of the shadows…kill them with your kindness/Ignorance is blindest”. “You are not your skin”, he sings as the final chords close out the album.
Rating: ****

Summary
If “This is Gonna Hurt” doesn’t find itself in the mix at Grammy time, I’m a monkey’s uncle. Sixx:A.M. are an act that are comfortable in their material, tight and focused as a band and, quite simply, write excellent rock songs. There will be trolling I’m sure about how the social justice and anti-A-List stuff is all just populist fakery from Sixx. But this would be a distraction and an irrelevance. A great record is a great record and this is one of the best in my collection.


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[Movie Review] Stepfather III

12May11

Starring: Robert Wightman, Priscilla Barnes, Season Hubley, David Tom, John Ingle

Director: Guy Magar

Genre: Thriller/Horror

Cert: 18

Released: 1992

Terry O’Quinn received much acclaim for his performances in the first two “Stepfather” movies where he played a disturbed sociopath, dedicated to creating and being part of the perfect family unit.  While the first film was an outstanding cult chiller, the second one was more campy, notable only for O’Quinn’s turn.  The talented actor (who found international fame as John Locke in “Lost”) was – one would assume for either artistic or financial reasons – not involved in this direct-to-video second sequel in 1992.  So in steps Robert Wightman (briefly John-Boy Walton in The Waltons) as the maniacal titular character.

Changing the actor while not changing the character means that there needs to be some form of explanation as to why he looks different (unless it’s the Donna Reed/Barbara Bel Geddes switcheroo I suppose).  Director Guy Magar’s explanation, while being a reach, makes sense: The Stepfather (aka Henry Morrison, Jerry Blake, Bill Hodgkins, Gene Clifford) has escaped (again) from a maximum-security mental hospital.  Having been featured on every news broadcast around the country he decides to have plastic surgery so as to evade capture and continue his search for the perfect family.

The movie opens with a hooded man being operated on by a backstreet plastic surgeon who promises that’s he’s “the best there is” while he cuts and slices his patient without any anesthetic and with a bottle of whiskey nearby.  Some days later the bandages come off and The Stepfather is back … almost looking like a different person altogether.

We cut to a small Californian town where local gardener Keith Grant (Wightman) dresses as the Easter bunny and hands out eggs to the local community’s children at the urging of local priest Father Brennan (John Ingle – TV’s “General Hospital”, “Days of Our Lives”).  His unassuming charm interests single mother Christine Davis (Priscilla Barnes – TV’s “Three’s Company”, “Licence to Kill”, “Mallrats”, “The Devil’s Rejects”) and before long the two are involved in a whirlwind romance that leads to marriage in what seems about 4 days.

Her wheelchair-bound son Andy (David Tom – “Stay Tuned”, “Pleasantville”) is less impressed though, telling Father Brennan that there’s something not quite right about his new stepfather, who had no friends or family at the wedding and seems to change his back-story frequently.  No matter how hard Keith tries, he can’t make that connection with the crime-obsessed Andy who already suspects that Keith could be the escaped “step father” that he has seen on a TV news report.  The youngster uses his computer expertise (using the Internet and Photoshopping before they were common) to investigate Keith’s background.

Becoming disillusioned with his already-disintegrating relationship with his new family, Keith lines up Jennifer, a single mother who he has just rented his old cottage to.  But with Andy digging deeper and Father Brennan increasingly suspicious with Keith’s behaviour, time is running out for The Stepfather to make everything right.

“Stepfather III” came in for a bit of a battering at the time of release as one might expect.  Certainly when I first viewed it almost two decades ago I wasn’t that impressed.  But, on second viewing, the film – in the context of the franchise – has stood the test of time quite well.  I mean, come on, “The Stepfather”, quality film though it was, was a B-movie – shorn of gloss and rough around the edges.  And that’s what the third movie is – hampered slightly by a less-engaging lead man, admittedly.

In fairness to Robert Wightman he puts up a good fight in the role where O’Quinn set such a high watermark.  His syrupy, southern-accented, nice guy act is a little clunky but when required to go a bit mental, he pulls it off very well.  His facial mannerisms and general appearance is close enough to O’Quinn that you can almost buy in to the storyline that this is O’Quinn with a different face.

He’s in good company on set though.  David Tom does a convincing job as Andy and Priscilla Barnes was a good choice as The Stepfather’s lover (as were Shelley Hack and Meg Foster in the previous movies).

The violent scenes are not as hard-hitting as some of the ones we have seen previously and the entire film is undermined by the fact that we’ve seen it all before – and better.  But for a largely-disregarded, low budget thriller, “Stepfather III” is no embarrassment and worth a watch.


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AT&T. Absolute bollocks.

01May11

I thought mobile phone companies in Ireland were bad until I came over to the US.  My experience so far has been with AT&T and, in spite of the best intentions of the eager foot soldiers in the stores, the company itself leaves a lot to be desired.

Right now they are in the news for attempting to push through a merger with fellow GSM-carrier T-Mobile, something that I agree would be very bad news.  T-Mobile was going to be my next carrier once my contract (a ludicrous two-year imposition that most carriers tie you to in the US) expires in early 2012.  But if the government approves the merger then I may have to go CDMA (Sprint, Verizon) as T-Mobile will probably end up adopting the totalitarian approach of their larger cousin.  And we know consumers are not happy with AT&T.

In the year-plus I’ve been with them they have capped data plans, increased termination fees and locked down Android phones.  I also experienced, when travelling through the Dakotas, virtually no data coverage whatsoever in five days.

The latest show of might from my good friends at AT&T is them denying me the right to use my Motorola Atrix (my phone that I own) when travelling abroad unless I agree to an expensive roaming plan with themselves.  On a call with one of their representatives I asked him for my unlock code so that I could use my Irish SIM in the phone, and I was given a four-point response as to why that was not possible.

It was basically a patronising list of items that were none of their damn business: if you use a foreign number then friends and family won’t be able to reach you in an emergency (bollocks as all my friends and family have my Irish number), you won’t be able to access voicemail (bollocks as I use Google Voice for voicemail) and two other reasons I can’t even remember.  Probably because I was repeating the mantra: ‘you’re a stupid c*nt, you’re a stupid c*nt’ in my head.

He finished off his little spiel by telling me that I could avail of great deals with a roaming plan from AT&T (how convenient).

Not being particularly satisfied with the response, I took to Twitter, and some helpful AT&T lad responded to my tweet by investigating for me.  Sadly his response was not particularly useful either.

So according to AT&T my phone (and let’s be clear – this is my phone, bought outright in an AT&T store and not subsidised by them) cannot be used by me.  If I want to, I can go out and buy an unlock code online for about $25.  But I don’t see why I should have to.  I don’t see what right AT&T have for locking it down in any manner whatsoever.

But do they have any leg to stand on?  Is their roaming plan such an absolute steal that I am rendered a total clown for not biting the bullet and switching on roaming?

Not likely.

This is what AT&T would have charged me to use my phone in Ireland.

This is my mobile activity while using my Irish phone in Ireland with unit and total costs for both carriers (Irish per minute call costs averaged out as they varied depending on which network I called).

So in total I spent the equivalent of about $30 while away for the week, sending 95 texts within Ireland, 8 texts abroad and spending 12 minutes on calls.  The cost of that to me had I unlocked my phone and availed of AT&T ‘best roaming rates’ would have been over $70.  Even if I’d bought their ‘World Traveler’ package for $5.99 and taken advantage of 99c rather than $1.39 per minute call rates, I would only have saved $4.80 (12-times-40c).  So it would have actually cost me more.

It’s incredibly short-sighted of AT&T (and other carriers – let’s face it, I’m sure many of them behave like this) to alienate their customer base for a quick buck.  My mobile bill is about $90 a month – more than the $70 they battled to try and squeeze out of me in this fiasco.  Losing my custom in early 2012 will cost them a lot more than $70.


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Sleeping with a stranger

22Apr11

I woke up from a short nap on Saturday afternoon, concious of the fact that I needed to get moving as I was meeting friends later on.

Then I got this curious sensation.  There was someone not just in my apartment – there was someone lying in bed behind me.

I was on my side, facing the window.  Before I had a chance to turn around, I heard whoever it was adjust their position as if they were moving off their back and turning towards me.

An arm wrapped around me, grasping my wrists, their body pressing against mine.  They grasped me tightly.  I was unable to breathe for several seconds.  Then they loosened their grasp.

I tried to turn around but I didn’t have the strength.  I didn’t know whether it was a lack of physical or mental strength that prevented me.  The person didn’t give me a chance to figure it out as they once again tightened their hold on me, leaving me short of breath for a number of seconds.

I looked straight ahead – I could see the beige carpet, the blinds on the window, the bedside table hosting my keys and wallet.  I moved my right hand and could feel the body behind me but my eyes were heavy and my body sapped of energy.

Thoughts swirled around my head.  I’d read accounts from people who had reported unexplainable stuff like this: the presence of a dead relative, the sense that Jesus was with them or – at the other end of a scale – the experience of being abducted by aliens.  And here I was in the middle of something I couldn’t explain.  This was real.  I knew who I was, where I was and what my plans were for the evening.

Eventually I stopped fighting.  I closed my eyes, took some deep breaths and pushed myself out of bed on to the floor.  I looked up.

There was no one there.

This time I had woken up for real.


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[Movie Review] Saw VII

29Mar11

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Betsy Russell, Cary Elwes, Sean Patrick Flanery, Chad Donella, Gina Holden

Director: Kevin Greutert

Genre: Horror

Cert: 18

Released: 2010

Note: Some storylines from earlier films are spoiled in this review.

I don’t know why I do it to myself. For the seventh – and hopefully final time – I endured the blood fest that is the Saw franchise.

“Saw VII” – or “Saw 3D” – or “Saw: The Final Chapter” – or “I’m Sure I Saw This One Before” – brings the popular but increasingly-jaded horror series to a blood-splattered end.

The first movie introduced us to Jigsaw, a sociopathic killer who punishes people he considers morally bankrupt by putting them in elaborate death traps which he calls “games”.  Their only chance of survival is to make some form of sacrifice in order to escape, allowing them to have a second chance at a life that he considers they have taken for granted.  And the first movie is really, really good.

Of course when you produce what is largely the same film six more times, it’s going to run out of steam eventually.  Add to that – and unfortunately it’s necessary to spoil the story arc somewhat to properly review this seventh installment – the fact that Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) dies half way through the series, the most compelling reason to watch died with him.

This is Billy. Hello, Billy.

“Saw VII” opens with a flashback to the closing scenes of the first movie before cutting to a gathering crowd at a shop-front window.  In the window, two young men are strapped to opposite ends of a bench with buzz saws and a woman is suspended over a large saw in the middle.  Jigsaw’s messenger puppet Billy (pictured) cycles in to view and instructs the men that the woman is a harlot who has been playing them against each other.  Their choice is to try to kill each other in the next sixty seconds and save her – or let her slowly descend on to a saw.  And so sets the tone for another series of depraved and hard-to-watch death scenes that are admirable in some cases for their invention, but, equally, seem to feel just a little played-out at this point.

Outside of the slicing through and chopping off of body parts is a semblance of storyline.  Jigsaw’s work is carried on by Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) who survived his attempted murder by Jigsaw’s widow Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell) in the sixth movie.  Tuck goes to internal affairs detective Matt Gibson (Chad Donella) and promises to testify against Hoffman if she is granted immunity.  He pops her in a safe house and heads off to apprehend Hoffman, a man he has history with.

Meanwhile, Hoffman is kicking off Jigsaw’s next game.  He kidnaps Bobby Dagen (Sean Patrick Flanery – “The Boondock Saints”), a man who has amassed wealth and fame by falsely claiming to have survived a Jigsaw game.  Bobby awakens in an abandoned building and is instructed by the helpful Billy that he must navigate a series of obstacles in sixty minutes to save his wife’s life.  Along the way he’ll encounter and have to save the lives of his best friend, his lawyer and his PR person – all complicit in his lies according to Jigsaw.

If you’ve seen the previous “Saw” movies then this one won’t do much for you.  In fact the main storyline of VII – where the protagonist has to pass a series of tests in sixty minutes – is far too similar to the storyline of VI.  And VI was marginally better.

The cast of the “Saw” movies are never going to win any awards (the best performer was always Tobin Bell and he shines when he’s briefly on screen here (despite his death he makes appearances in all the movies)).  But in the context of a gore-filled horror movie nobody is expecting Academy Award-level turns anyway.  The whole production is slick, fast-moving and well-directed.  The dialogue is polished and coherent.  But yet “Saw” is less than the sum of its parts.

However it’s an artistically-limping franchise that has pulled in just south of a billion dollars worldwide gross.  So that’s probably the only sum that matters at this point.


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The American Drive

05Jan11

Where do I start with this American Dream thing I started living a few months ago?

I suppose the whole driving thing is the best place to mock myself.  I revel in telling people how much I hate driving – and they usually revel in telling me that I’m a dumbass and that driving is awesome. Whatever.

So I bought a pretty reasonably-priced car from a man with three Gs in his name (ironically it cost a lot less than 3Gs) and I hit the road for the first time in eight years.

Of course what made the whole thing hilarious is that not only was I driving for the first time in eight years, I was doing so on the opposite side of the car and the opposite side of the road.

Thankfully the task was made easier by the fact that driving an automatic car is about as difficult as blinking (leaving aside those children who look perennially amazed by their surroundings).  Seriously it’s like one foot and that’s it.  You could chop off your left leg, glue your hands to the steering wheel and it would make no difference at all.

So I had a bit of an adrenalin rush when I started it all off but that pretty much disappeared after one horrendous trip out of my comfort zone one night.  All it took was one misjudged lane change (although I’m pretty sure the arsehole behind me sped up when he saw my blinker go on just so he could blow me out of it) and there went my confidence.  A week later another gobshite was blowing his horn at me because I dared to slow down as I was turning left just to be sure the junction was clear.  He then sped past me roaring some unintelligible American at me.  Total cockface.

At the moment I drive as little as possible due to the absolute fear every time I turn the key (fear of the driving part – not a fear of being blown up Goodfellas-style).  And what happens tonight?  I only avoid being side-swiped by about half a foot by a total arsehead with a personalised number plate (KEELR 10) and some stupid college stickers in his rear window.  No signal, only the length of his own car between the car in his lane and my car and he goes for a frickin’ lane change???

Thinking about the event now I would like to think that I pulled up behind him at the light (which was red and 50 feet in front of us), stepped out of my car, found a cigarette from somewhere, lit it, knocked on his window, fixed him a Bruce Willis-stare, dragged on the cigarette (while suppressing the inevitable near-choke) and uttered some one liner like “you just changed his last lane, kid-o”.

The reality is that I didn’t even blow my horn at him.  I just sat there being pathetic.

Oh and I didn’t even get to the fact that I ripped my bumper off by pulling up too close to a kerb within the first few days.  Seriously, I’m pathetic. Someone hurry up and invent teleporting.


Filed under: Life, observation   |  5 Comments

Thoughts from a boarding gate

19Oct10

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what it is about American tourists that winds people up.  Right now I’m sitting at my gate, waiting to board a flight to Chicago, and a middle-aged, wheelchair-bound American to my right is providing me with a check-list.

When I offered my seat to him and his wife he stared at me and declared drill sergeant-like with excessive volume: “No. I’m going to stay right here.”  His wife was a lot more polite but frankly she hasn’t stopped talking (in an excessive volume) for about ten minutes while he complains about the PA system being too loud, the line at the coffee shop being too long and the wheelchair being uncomfortable.  Ooh, and now he’s just asked his wife to get him some lime water.  Best of luck with that – still or sparkling completes our O2 range over here.

Then there’s the fifty-something, baseball cap-wearing men who walk with a college campus swagger that long stopped being apt.  In fact wearing a baseball cap three decades after your first beer is as appropriate as Betty White swanning around in a mini-skirt.

I’m thankful for the re-emergence of Betty White.  She has become the go-to punchline for any (playful) age-related barb.

From what I’ve seen it does seem to be some tourist-related persona rather than just a blanket American characteristic.  True to say that Americans in general can hardly be considered unassuming in their nature but give a middle aged former frat boy a passport, a plane ticket, and a massive camera that can photograph the moon’s surface and their base personality becomes amplified.

Of course many of these men probably did national service at some point too.  That would undoubtedly explain why they come across so regimental, loud and demanding.  It may also account for their seeming attempts to camouflage with the boarding gate walls by uniformly wearing beige.

Maybe I think they stand out because when I’m visiting other countries I don’t tend to walk around with a sense of entitlement and propensity to complain that they do.  But perhaps when I’m 55 and struggling to come to terms with the Rupee exchange rate or the Tokyo transport system, I’ll too be a complete and utter pain in the arse.

And – now I think about it – that PA system is freaking loud.

Update: As if things couldn’t  get more absurd, the wheelchair guy wore a fuchsia sleeping eye mask during the flight.


Filed under: observation, Travel   |  8 Comments
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[Movie Review] The Final Destination

03Oct10

Starring: Bobby Campo, Krista Allen, Andrew Fiscella, Shantel VanSanten, Mykelti Williamson, Haley Webb, Nick Zano
Director: David R Ellis
Genre: Horror
Cert: 15
Released: 2009

Will someone make it stop?

Seemingly not.  2006′s “Final Destination 3″ was to be the last in the horror series only for the advent of 3D to prompt director David R Ellis to bring it back.  The definite article in the title indicates that part four was again planned as the final outing but news has emerged that number five is on its way.

So what do we get for our money?  Much the same as we’ve seen on three previous occasions is the answer.  A group of young, attractive people are taking in some action at the local speedway arena when Nick (Campo) has a premonition of a fatal accident that will take the lives of him, his friends and many fellow spectators. Panicking, he convinces his friends that they need to get out and in the commotion a number of other people follow them.  The accident occurs and they survive while dozens die.  But – as is the central theme of the entire series – Death’s design is written in stone and the Grim Reaper (as such) will continue to pursue those who cheated death.

I had little praise for the first movie almost a decade ago but it’s fair to say that the second and third instalments were better without being memorable in any way (outside of a brilliant elevator-related death scene in number two).

And I have to say I’m undecided over “The Final Destination”.  I’m undecided as to whether the series has run out of steam and jaded me or if it’s just a dreadful film.

Perhaps the scriptwriters and director lost their focus because of the 3D angle (a gimmick that leads to some oddly-shot scenes) or perhaps they are just lazy.  There’s no attempt to introduce new plot devices or add any depth to the narrative that they explored insufficiently in the first movie.  And this might be slightly subjective but it does seem that the gore quotient has been upped significantly in this episode; usually an indicator that fresh ideas are thin on the ground.

I have no idea whether the cast have any talent or not as they ham it up within the limited boundaries of their stereotypical characters.  It’s a very predictable non-event and, above all, extremely boring.


Filed under: Horror, Movie, Review   |  Leave a Comment
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